So, yeah, discovered that there were 15,000 hits this year on top of 0 new blog posts. Hope you folks enjoyed our archives! And by archives, I mean the pictures we put up. I’m quite positive nobody who came here has any idea what we’re talking about! And it makes me laugh quite frequently, so keep on showing up and we’ll keep on not doing anything! (Unless some incredible outpouring of public request causes us to come out of retirement)
Here’s to a brilliant 2013.
Our only problem with this report is the lack of references to Pen Pen.
Otherwise, thanks for making the first year of Everything is Evangelion so great!
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 8,100 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.
Rocket, our healthy, juvenile (though listed as 1 year old since we cannot find the previous owner to verify age) black cat with white paws and adoration for boxes.
Hey everyone Perch here to give you an update on our newest correspondent Rocket (formally known as Sammy) the ex-stray. To give people tuning in this week an update Rocket has gone to the vet and is a spry not-quite-one year old spayed female cat that we picked up off the mean streets of Suburbia, I mean, Tokyo 3.
We’re going to try and not get ranty about how fucked up it is that someone abandoned a completely trained sweet, playful, kind kitten for over a week. Or how there has been no response to the ad placed for their owner to come forward. We here at Evangelion obsession station recognize that sometimes it comes down to the hard sacrifices of feeding yourself or giving up a beloved animal, but we still find it disgusting that Rocket was abandoned, especially since we live in an area with no-kill shelters and given Rocket’s age (still a juvenile in cat time) and sweet disposition she would have more than likely been adopted quickly into a new and loving home.
1. If Evangelion was animated with Cats Rocket would be the go-to new recruit Shinji who falls in line with our other cats….Shoe (Rei) and Poe (Asuka).
Poe in our 8 year old tiny black cat and Shoe is our 10 year old 22 pound torso sized bigger baby. And Shoe’s stuffed penguin Professor Pennyworth.
Paw power!
2. Shinji is abandoned by his father and only called on when he’s needed to save the world in a giant mech run on electricity and the soul plug of his dead mother. Rocket was abandoned by her ‘parent(s)’ and when they call on her to save the day Kin and I will be sure to knock them out and steal all their tiny mech suits.
We will totally use our mech cat army for good though. We swear.
3. When Shinji and Asuka meet they don’t get along, their behavior only gradually getting slightly less hostile and more choke-a-bitch as the series gets on. Poe wants to murder Rocket because shes’ the queen around here and no upstart is going to stand in her way.
We’re pretty sure it’ll get better without the apocalypse.
4. In Evangelion there is a vat of Rei clones lined up for various uses; piloting, plug suit dummies, weird bandage fetish enthusiasts on the internet. In Catvelion Shoe sheds enough that we’re convinced there’s an army of tiny Shoe’s hiding around the house waiting for the appropriate moment to strike.
5. In Evangelion Tokyo 3 is a city beset by a fairly polite group of angels who take turns trying to beat it up and get their head boss angel back. In Catvelion Suburbia is beset by holiday shoppers who will pepper spray you as soon as look at you and Santa yields a crowbar.
Also cats, in boxes, or holding penguins. It’s totally the same thing.
In conclusion I give our reality’s feline protectors 1 Pen-Pen’s. They’ve seen my Evangelion toys and they’re not impressed. Though they totally attack the screen whenever an Angel comes on and that makes them 50% more useful than Shinji.
Meet Sammy, a stray from the mean streets of Tokyo 3, who knows that Everything is Evangelion. Case in point: That white patch on her adorable chin? Reminiscent of the ray of hope that Shinji keeps alive in spite of his otherwise black life. Note how she’s rubbing up on our leg. Clearly just like Asuka rubbed up on Kaji. Oh yes, we may have picked up this poor abandoned kitty because we felt awful about it huddling around in the northwest cold and damp winter, but we kept it in the house because it gave us a detailed report of the similarities between Fancy Feast and the Seele organization.
We’re currently trying to give it a bath for the fleas and seeing if there are people who can give it a good home, we’ll be back for a christmas/almost a year special next week.
That’s Lydia on the right and my personal Draemora Lord servant on the left. I named him Phil. Sir Phillipin von Hurtysword the XXIV to be precise.
Have something new for you soon.
We get comments here all the time. And frequently they have insightful questions about the content of our site. Questions like, “Are you a crazy person?” or “Nice blog, check out my cheap deals on electronics!” and my favorite “How far back does the influence of the incredible Evangelion go?” We’re still researching how deep this Rabbit Hole goes, but one thing we can say: At least back to the 1600s. I bet Asuka cut the turkey while Shinji tried not to run away from the mashed potatoes!
If you’ve never experienced it, Thanksgiving is the American national holiday (Canada has it too, but they jump the gun) celebrating the day some white people scammed some native people out of enough food to regain their strength. They then used said strength to kill said native people with a most hypocritical vengeance. But the day itself is to symbolize working together and to be thankful for the blessing that you do have. And it is in that spirit that we celebrate today.
1) Pilgrims versus Seele.
-You think when Nerv approached Seele they were like “We’re trying to figure out the best way to screw you guys over!” Heck no! They were all: “Hey, we need your resources so we can work together for the greater good of both of us!” Yeah, exactly. And then Nerv gave Seele a bunch of pox ridden Eva Pilots.
2) Thanksgiving is represented by the Turkey, the one bird that can satisfy our ravenous yearly hunger. Evangelion is represented by Shinji, the one being that can satisfy our ravenous Angelic hunger….
-Hunger for ass whoopins? Not really. I mean, how many angels tried to take a bite out of Shinji, huh? Hell, even Unit 01 liquified and absorbed him once. Shinji’s like an all white meat buffet to these things. He’s been tenderly basted in fear and paranoia, and fed a steady diet of delicious neglect and mental abuse. The constant physical strain is like stuffing!
3) Thanksgiving is about getting together with your family. Those incredibly annoying and disturbing people. Kind of like how Evangelion was about bringing families together.
In both cases, your families should probably just keep doing what they’re doing. Separately. And yet, for the greater good you put up with each other. I know I’m looking forward to my dad commanding me to hop into the family mech after lunch. He knows how much I hate it. Smells like liverwurst in there.
4) The original pilgrims made several journeys to America. The angels came several times to assault earth. Coincidence? Obviously not.
-Maybe the angels were just looking for a passage through the earth to some other celestial body. They just kept getting hung up on all those lousy indiginous peoples.
5) In Evangelion, all of the doings of Nerv were foretold in the bible. The pilgrims were literally religious fundamentalists following their own guide.
-And though I’m sure their version of the bible didn’t have the bits about everyone turning into goo, they still had some version of the bible. A lame version, but it’s cool. We don’t judge.
In conclusion, we give Thanksgiving 4 hams out of Turkey… okay sorry, foods cooking and I’m getting hungry.
Have a happy Thanksgiving folks! Hug someone!
It’ll be up in a few hours when it’s Thanksgiving proper
So, Perch tells me it’s Friday and there’s no EiE for this week. Clearly that can’t be the case, because I only just started playing Skyrim, which I ordered earlier on Mond… oh. Right then.
Normally our crack research team consisting of myself and ten personal assistants I like to call “The ability to type words into Google” meticulously research our articles here on EiE However, since this week I’ve been busy naming my crafted items after cast members and trying to raise my “Mentally Scar 14 year olds” skill (It’s a perk in the Destruction tree… trust me), I think it’s time for some quick hits.
1) Let’s start with Skyrim, since I’m not actually super far into the game. Stormcloaks Versus Imperials? More Like Nervcloaks versus Seelerials, amiright? A big overweening organization with their own ideas about what makes peace viable versus a smaller slightly rebellious faction with its own aims as to the best direction of mankind.
2) Desert Bus for Hope! In Evangelion, Shinji spent days hopelessly adrift, floating in a bleak void, struggling with questions of his humanity and sanity. I’m fairly certain the people driving through the old game Desert bus experience a very similar feeling around hour 73. One of these experiences is incredibly fun to watch and benefits children. One of these experiences is rather tedious to watch and actively scars children. Watch the one the helps, maybe? It starts tonight (11/18/2011 at 6PM PST) and continues until you stop paying them to torture themselves. We don’t normally pimp a lot of stuff here, but A) It’s for a good cause (Child’s Play) and I watch it every year and it starts up tonight. So there ya go.
3) Echo Bazaar (Indie Browser game). The adventures of Echo Bazaar take place after London was dragged underground by bats. Evangelion takes place after Tokyo was moved underground by giant mechanical lifts and pulleys, which were designed by incredibly smart bats. At least that’s what I always figured. Why else hang from the ceiling? Why don’t we ever see the bats? Come on, you think Gendo’s above having his contractors murdered after their usefulness has been served?
4) Short Circuit: Johnny Five was alive. So were the Evas. Need we say more? Yes? Look, all I’m saying is that in Short Circuit Four, Johnny Five gains a 12 year old side kick and then implements Instrumentality. Everything disassemble, together!
5) In Evangelion, Lilith is kept at the heart of the geofront, suffering and biding her time. In Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, Dagoth Ur sits at the heart of the Red Mountain, biding his time. Both are also approached by an unlikely hero who ends up thwarting their ultimate goal! Okay, that happens in Morrowind. Who knows what the angels actually wanted from Mankind, or if their goal was thwarted. I’m gonna go with a blanket “no”, because otherwise Shinji might have affected something and we can all agree that’s just not the way things go. Long story short: Super powerful being kept in the glowing heart of a mountain-like space? Totally invented by Evangelion.
All right folks, that’s it for now. I’ma go… umm… look for more similarities. Yeah. Gotta keep up the good fight! Got a couple of special articles planned for the next two weeks. They might even be on time and shit!
Okay people- I’m not going to tell you that I woke up wearing a sarong, some orange panties and a rubber mask in the likeness of Henry Kissinger this past Halloween. What I will tell you is that if someone offers you a blend of Vodka, Red Bull and Snickers… do not drink eight of them. No matter how many people yell “Chug”. Had some minor plans for a Halloween update, but that got derailed. Anyway, I’ve walked back home and I’d like to thank the Wyoming police department for their understanding. Sorry for missing last week.
Fooly? Cooly? This week EiE takes a stroll through a quiet town where nothing unusual ever happens. Ever notice how the little towns where nothing strange ever happens are the towns where the most fucked up shit goes down? Anyway-
If you haven’t seen it, FLCL is a six episode anime starring a young man without a brain and a young woman whose brain doesn’t really work. The former grows robots out of his head, the latter hits people with guitars like a sexy El Kabong. There are other kids around and a weird plot about a shady company up to no good, but what’s important here is that the image of a sexy El Kabong has sunk into your brain. Yes I am kind of dating myself. Moving on.
1) Noata is Shinji, Mamimi is Rei, and Haruko is Asuka
-It actually lines up pretty nicely. Noata is the unsure, spineless, whipping boy of the group. He finds definition only through his interaction with his mechanical counterpart. Mamimi is soft spoken but deeply disturbed. She’s interested in Noata, not for himself, but because of his association with a relative that she actually cares for. Haruko is a reckless, wild, and fiery personality on a crusade to get what she wants.
While it would have been nice if Asuka had hit more people with a guitar, I think we can all be thankful that people didn’t pull things literally out of Shinji’s head. There’s absolutely no way it could have ended well. You’d either get horrific monsters, or the saddest embodiments of moping imaginable. Or Horrificly mopey monsters… also terrible.
2)Canti is an Evangelion
-Seriously, the show downright says so! Regardless, the signs are all there: Big robot piloted by a pre-pubescent kid, goes all crazy when things don’t immediately go its way, actually a conduit for a vastly more powerful force… It’s all there. Sure, the Evas didn’t shit out their pilots when they were done with them… except that one time Shinji faded out of existence…
3) Both shows have an overarching “dealing with growing up” motif.
-Look, I understand how it is. You’re a young show and suddenly things are changing. Your androgynous anime protagonists are getting taller and more bishy. You’re starting to notice the gushing blood your older anime friends have. You’re finding fan-fic where there was none before. It’s okay, Japan. I know that puberty is a strange time, but it’s really not the ridiculously symbolic cluster-fuck you seem to think it is.
4) In Evangelion, Seele is a villain with dubious motives and even more dubious methods of obtaining those goals. In FLCL, Medical Mechanica is what would happen if everyone at Seele smoked a ton of weed and forgot what they were trying to do, just that they were supposed to be generically evil.
-Seriously, speaking of dubious all around. I’ve seen FLCL, like, four times, and I’m still not totally clear on what Medical Mechanica wanted to do. Something about wiping out conscious thought. Possibly it was all about exceptionally tidy underwear. Something about irons, to be sure. Who really cares though? I mean (just like in Evangelion) whatever they want, it’s 100% not the point of the show.
5) Every Episode of NGE features a new and more dangerous angel for the kids to fight. Every Episode of FLCL featrues a new and more adorable horn arrangement sticking out of Naota’s head…
-Oh, and a bigger more dangerous robot, but seriously some of those things sticking out of his head are just silly. He literally grows a revolver from his head in one episode and kitty ears in another. Why couldn’t Shinji have grown cat ears when he was trying to pilot unit 01? He should have at least been bitten by a radioactive Pen Pen. The penultimate villain in FLCL is a giant gunslinging cowboy hand. Sure beats the hell out of Ramiel.
In conclusion, we give this show 1 Pen -Pen out of 5. Gendo’s early Evangelion builds used the “Chew up the pilot like an after dinner mint” model, instead of the much less satisfying Entry Plug they eventually went with. Stupid HR department.
As a last shot, I don’t think you can really talk about FLCL without mentioning the soundtrack by The Pillows. If you don’t know it, it’s amazing.
As a slightly more lasterer shot- What the hell is this show about? Seriously? So weird. I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it makes about as much sense as a screen door on a flying cat.
Guess it doesn’t matter. It’s a fooly, cooly kind of thing.
Welcome back, everybody. Somebody once asked, who watches the watchmen? And clearly the answer is Seele. Come along this week as we see if the test name for the Archimedes was really Unit 00
If you’ve never read it, Watchmen is a comic book. And yes, we’ve read it. We’ve just chosen to do the movie this week. Maybe some other time we’ll have a very special “Tales of the Black Freighter” EiE… Anyway, if you’ve never watched it, Watchmen is about a giant blue penis and the wacky adventures in time travel and various dickery it gets up to. Oh and also a cast of characters that aren’t penises, but sometimes have them. Or are them. There are a few vaginas too, but mostly just dicks. All right, really Watchmen is about what happens when superheroes get old and everybody forgets why we kept them around in the first place. Namely because they can do all the awesome shit we’re too busy watching American Idol to get around to.
1) Rorshach is what Shinji would have been if the world hadn’t exploded first.
I’d say Shinji was seriously close to snapping, but lets be honest: Shinji probably snapped about four times over the course of Evangelion. Let’s just say that if post Toji-maiming Shinji hadn’t had access to a mech, the opening of watchmen would have gone: “Rorshach’s journal: I musn’t run away, I musn’t run away, I mustn’t run away”
2) Rei, through a combination of her nature and some scientific dicking around, becomes an omnipotent being capable of altering reality itself. Dr. Manhattan, through mostly just the scientific dicking around, becomes much the same.
They even had inexplicable crushes on vastly inferior mortals, being willing to bend the laws of space time for their chosen one’s affections. I think if Rei had taken off to Mars to live in a crystal palace it would have been the final nail… Dr. Manhattan even has Rei’s blue color scheme! And while Shinji had to have uncomfortable memories of Rei’s naked breasts, Doc spread his love around- making sure to be pantsless at every opportunity.
3) The Comedian is a morally ambiguous character who pokes his nose where it doesn’t belong, earning him a premature death just as he’s putting the pieces together. In Evangelion, his name was Kaji.
They’re both horndogs, more than willing to get a little randy when it served their purposes. Don’t get me wrong, the Comedian is by far the worse human being. Kaji may have broken Misato’s heart, but he didn’t shoot her down in cold blood. I also can’t see the Comedian growing a humble melon patch. Both however, weren’t quite nihilistic enough for the world ending ridiculosity of their series’ villains, earning each an ignominious death.
4) In the world of Evangelion, the pilots are blamed for the collateral damage caused by their fights with the evil angels, breeding resentment and hatred. In Watchmen, the heroes are the collateral damage of the fight against evil.
As in both groups end up feared by the general populace, despite ostensibly serving it. Yet you never hear somebody running up to Nerv and saying “If you really wanted to fight Angels, you wouldn’t hide behind a plug suit!”
5)Ozymandias was Nerv, the rest of the Heroes were Seele
Seele knew something was up. They were sniffing around, looking for clues as to what was going on, trying to piece together how it was all going down. Sure they’d shared the same goal as Ozymandias at one point, but that was a while ago. Now it looked like Nerv was off on its own tangent of their original goal. It was up to a plucky Kaworu and his brooding partner Shinji to put the pieces together!
Okay, I may have gotten mixed up somewhere. Point being, by the time they actually got their shit together to do something about it, their respective foes had already put their plan into action and it was much, much too late.
And yes I did just cast Kaworu as Owlman. I was going to make Shinji Silk Spectre II, but given the first point I’d be going back on myself.
In closing we give Watchmen 4 pen-pens out of Five. If the people had cast out Nerv and forced them into hiding like in Watchmen, the series would have been a hell of a lot shorter. “Ha! We showed those stupid pilots! We don’t need their mech drivin’ asses around here! What’s that? What do you mean there’s a 200 foot long flying flatworm bearing down on Tokyo? Kind of resembles a giant penis, you say? Well, yes, I’d agree we’re fucked but that’s no reason for that kind of… it’s every reason you say? Yes, well, I’ll see you in hell too. Thanks for calling, mother. ”
I’d like it entered into the record, by the way, that I didn’t make a comparison between the uncomfortable masturbation and the Archimedes-sex scenes of the respective properties. You’re welcome.
PS-> In case it wasn’t incredibly obvious, I’ll only be doing five points while I’m on my own.
Everything is Evangelion 