Okay, unpause. Don’t worry, everyone is recovering nicely.
This week, EiE takes a look at Evangelion Age II… I mean, Dragon Age II, sorry…
If you haven’t played it, Dragon Age II is the story of a homeless immigrant on a noble quest to not die in A) the streets, B) a cave with a campsite in it, C) a monstrosity infested hellhole, or D) Mom’s basement. As you make Hawke dance to your tune, this tale as old as time is being told by the only beardless dwarf in the fantasy genre.
1) We see Dragon Age II, theoretically, through Varric’s eyes. We see Evangelion, theoretically, through Shinji’s eyes. Neither of these characters are reliable narrators. At all.
Kinotu: I’m honestly torn as to which narrator is more unreliable. I mean, Varric is a hard drinkin’, ner’do’well of a dwarf with a flare for dramatic story-telling. And Shinji is a… well… a Shinji
Perch: Really their similarities make it hard to distinguish between them. I mean, Varric had his beloved crossbow, Bianca and Shinji had his beloved walkman, Yvette. Shut up, her name was Yvette.
2) The Templars are Seele to the Circle of Magi’s Nerv
Kinotu: This one goes pretty well. See, Nerv was in control of the Evas, which, if not constantly monitored and controlled stood a good chance of going berserk causing untold damage. Mages suffer a similar “living time bomb waiting to go off” affliction. And while we the player may snuff them like crappy candles, the game tells us that they’re pretty awful. So… yeah…
Perch: Man I wish those monoliths had been as proactive as the Templars. But then again, if the show hadn’t jumped the shark, maybe Kaoru would have unleashed some templar fury on their asses. As opposed to just chasing Shinji’s ass…
Kinotu: Look, asses would have been involved, either way.
3) Sometimes in animation, frames are repeated to save time and cost. Sometimes in game development… well, you see where this is going.
Perch: Like, for instance having one still frame of a robot holding a blue haired boy while an entire classical piece plays.
Kinotu: Or finding that one cave in the mountains. Again. For the sixth time.
Perch: To be fair, dwarves like their caves to be very uniform. That still doesn’ t excuse how agonizingly long that classical piece played for. FYI, yes I know which piece it is. I just choose not to say it so it doesn’t spoil it for me for the next six years like it did the first time.
Kinotu: So once more we’re back to the unreliable narrator thing, huh. Varric couldn’t be bothered to describe more than four backgrounds and Shinji got all choked up and stopped talking when he was about to convert Kaoru to his pez form.
Perch: Yes but those caves were told in vivid detail. The kind of vivid detail that only ten tankards of ale can describe.
Kinotu: …”And have I mentioned how Isabella’s tits kept getting bigger?”
4) With a very few exceptions, Evangelion takes place in Tokyo 3. With a very few exceptions, Dragon Age II takes place in Kirkwall.
Kinotu: Kirkwall unfortunately was not a city that could transform.
Perch: Though it did have a lively underground. And the most cliche “Phantom of the Opera” smash/slams into “Frankenstein” storyline ever…
Kinotu: Yeah, well, when you only have three rooms under the city they’re bound to get busy. And you leave poor Dr. FrankenPhantom alone! He just wanted to be loved!
5) Isabela is Kaji. A mysterious character with dubious motivations and an obvious agenda that almost certainly doesn’t mesh with the main characters…
Perch: Unfortunately, unlike Evangelion. She’s more than willing to try to get information out of every whore in the city. Versus: Misato. That would be like discovering Kaji had banged every Nerv employee post series. It would have drastically changed the sadness of their doomed love.
Kinotu: Yes, but at least then Kaji would have actually earned that man-whore reputation he seemed to be always suffering under anyway.
Perch: See under “Unreliable Narrator”: Misato. I’m just saying, Drunky McGoo with the penguin in her bathroom may not be the most reliable source for gossip.
Kinotu: Look, if you can’t trust a 29 year old drunken slob with genetically modified waterfowl for a roommate, who can you trust? Huh, who?
Perch: Ironically… pretty much every other staffer at Nerv. Including Gendou.
6) Bethany / Carver are equivalent to Toji, they show up for a second, kill a dude or two, then get taken out of the action immediately after.
Kinotu: In Dragon Age’s case whether they get taken out of the action in the first 10 minutes or 75 minutes depends on your gender, but don’t worry, they’re both equally useless like that.
Perch: And in Toji’s case, he was manipulated into being a pilot because of his sister’s fantastically high hospital bills. The only mystery to Toji was why Gendou didn’t just slap a band-aid on his forhead and tell him to get back out there. Oh wait, the Eva blew up and they didn’t have a backup. Whew! Bullet dodged.
Kinotu: Hawke definitely could have used a few spare Evas, I mean, siblings.
Perch: Listen, everyone could have done with a few more siblings in Dragon Age, if only to properly survive the Crack Cavern. Everybody’s sibling gets addicted to crack in that place. I mean artifact.
Kinotu: “The Crack Cavern” sounds like either the worst or the best nightclub in the run-down part of town, depending on your predilictions.
7) Every romanceable matches one of the Rei clones (including AU clones)
Perch: Now unlike Power Puff Girls, I’ve got this!
Rei 1 (Manipulative Kid Rei) – Isabella
Rei 2 (The first we met) – Sebastion
Rei 3 (The second one we see) – Fenris
Rei 4 (Last two ep’s/Petite Eva Rei) – Merril
Rei 5 (the vats of clones) – Anders
Kinotu: … … … Yeah, all right, I can’t argue with that.
Perch: I WIN EVERY REI CLONE AWARD! Everyone give me your Rei clones! Except for that one… what were you even thinking dude?
Kinotu: See this is why we can’t have nice things.
In conclusion we give Dragon Age II 2 Pen-Pens out of 5. If they’d brought back Shale the Golem, it would have been indistinguishable from a day in the life of Tokyo 3.
Kinotu: I’m pretty sure there was a scene where Shinji’s Eva went berserk on some pigeons…
Perch: Those pigeons were asking for it.
Kinotu: PS, now we’re totally going to get a ton of hits for people searching “Isabella’s tits” aren’t we?
Perch: We get a ton of hits for that line even if we hadn’t included it. We just did a gimme.