More Quick Hits!

So, Perch tells me it’s Friday and there’s no EiE for this week.  Clearly that can’t be the case, because I only just started playing Skyrim, which I ordered earlier on Mond… oh.  Right then.

 

Normally our crack research team consisting of myself and ten personal assistants I like to call “The ability to type words into Google” meticulously research our articles here on EiE  However, since this week I’ve been busy naming my crafted items after cast members and trying to raise my “Mentally Scar 14 year olds” skill (It’s a perk in the Destruction tree… trust me), I think it’s time for some quick hits.

 

1) Let’s start with Skyrim, since I’m not actually super far into the game.  Stormcloaks Versus Imperials?  More Like Nervcloaks versus Seelerials, amiright?  A big overweening organization with their own ideas about what makes peace viable versus a smaller slightly rebellious faction with its own aims as to the best direction of mankind.

 

2) Desert Bus for Hope! In Evangelion, Shinji spent days hopelessly adrift, floating in a bleak void, struggling with questions of his humanity and sanity.  I’m fairly certain the people driving through the old game Desert bus experience a very similar feeling around hour 73.  One of these experiences is incredibly fun to watch and benefits children.  One of these experiences is rather tedious to watch and actively scars children.  Watch the one the helps, maybe?  It starts tonight (11/18/2011 at 6PM PST) and continues until you stop paying them to torture themselves.  We don’t normally pimp a lot of stuff here, but A) It’s for a good cause (Child’s Play) and I watch it every year and it starts up tonight.  So there ya go.

 

3) Echo Bazaar (Indie Browser game).  The adventures of Echo Bazaar take place after London was dragged underground by bats.  Evangelion takes place after Tokyo was moved underground by giant mechanical lifts and pulleys, which were designed by incredibly smart bats.  At least that’s what I always figured.  Why else hang from the ceiling?  Why don’t we ever see the bats?  Come on, you think Gendo’s above having his contractors murdered after their usefulness has been served?

 

4) Short Circuit: Johnny Five was alive.  So were the Evas.  Need we say more?  Yes?  Look, all I’m saying is that in Short Circuit Four, Johnny Five gains a 12 year old side kick and then implements Instrumentality.  Everything disassemble, together!

 

5) In Evangelion, Lilith is kept at the heart of the geofront, suffering and biding her time.  In Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, Dagoth Ur sits at the heart of the Red Mountain, biding his time.  Both are also approached by an unlikely hero who ends up thwarting their ultimate goal!  Okay, that happens in Morrowind.  Who knows what the angels actually wanted from Mankind, or if their goal was thwarted.  I’m gonna go with a blanket “no”, because otherwise Shinji might have affected something and we can all agree that’s just not the way things go.  Long story short: Super powerful being kept in the glowing heart of a mountain-like space?  Totally invented by Evangelion.

All right folks, that’s it for now.  I’ma go… umm… look for more similarities.  Yeah.  Gotta keep up the good fight!  Got a couple of special articles planned for the next two weeks.  They might even be on time and shit!

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FLCL

Okay people- I’m not going to tell you that I woke up wearing a sarong, some orange panties and a rubber mask in the likeness of Henry Kissinger this past Halloween.  What I will tell you is that if someone offers you a blend of Vodka, Red Bull and Snickers… do not drink eight of them.  No matter how many people yell “Chug”. Had some minor plans for a Halloween update, but that got derailed.  Anyway, I’ve walked back home and I’d like to thank the Wyoming police department for their understanding. Sorry for missing last week.


Fooly?  Cooly?  This week EiE takes a stroll through a quiet town where nothing unusual ever happens.  Ever notice how the little towns where nothing strange ever happens are the towns where the most fucked up shit goes down?  Anyway-

If you haven’t seen it, FLCL is a six episode anime starring a young man without a brain and a young woman whose brain doesn’t really work.  The former grows robots out of his head, the latter hits people with guitars like a sexy El Kabong.  There are other kids around and a weird plot about a shady company up to no good, but what’s important here is that the image of a sexy El Kabong has sunk into your brain.  Yes I am kind of dating myself.  Moving on.

1) Noata is Shinji, Mamimi is Rei, and Haruko is Asuka

-It actually lines up pretty nicely.  Noata is the unsure, spineless, whipping boy of the group.  He finds definition only through his interaction with his mechanical counterpart.  Mamimi is soft spoken but deeply disturbed.  She’s interested in Noata, not for himself, but because of his association with a relative that she actually cares for.  Haruko is a reckless, wild, and fiery personality on a crusade to get what she wants.

While it would have been nice if Asuka had hit more people with a guitar, I think we can all be thankful that people didn’t pull things literally out of Shinji’s head.  There’s absolutely no way it could have ended well.  You’d either get horrific monsters, or the saddest embodiments of moping imaginable.  Or Horrificly mopey monsters… also terrible.

2)Canti is an Evangelion

-Seriously, the show downright says so!  Regardless, the signs are all there: Big robot piloted by a pre-pubescent kid, goes all crazy when things don’t immediately go its way, actually a conduit for a vastly more powerful force… It’s all there.  Sure, the Evas didn’t shit out their pilots when they were done with them… except that one time Shinji faded out of existence…

3) Both shows have an overarching “dealing with growing up” motif.

-Look, I understand how it is.  You’re a young show and suddenly things are changing.  Your androgynous anime protagonists are getting taller and more bishy.  You’re starting to notice the gushing blood your older anime friends have.  You’re finding fan-fic where there was none before.  It’s okay, Japan.  I know that puberty is a strange time, but it’s really not the ridiculously symbolic cluster-fuck you seem to think it is.

4)  In Evangelion, Seele is a villain with dubious motives and even more dubious methods of obtaining those goals.  In FLCL, Medical Mechanica is what would happen if everyone at Seele smoked a ton of weed and forgot what they were trying to do, just that they were supposed to be generically evil.

-Seriously, speaking of dubious all around.  I’ve seen FLCL, like, four times, and I’m still not totally clear on what Medical Mechanica wanted to do.  Something about wiping out conscious thought.  Possibly it was all about exceptionally tidy underwear.  Something about irons, to be sure. Who really cares though?  I mean (just like in Evangelion) whatever they want, it’s 100% not the point of the show.

5) Every Episode of NGE features a new and more dangerous angel for the kids to fight.  Every Episode of FLCL featrues a new and more adorable horn arrangement sticking out of Naota’s head…

-Oh, and a bigger more dangerous robot, but seriously some of those things sticking out of his head are just silly.  He literally grows a revolver from his head in one episode and kitty ears in another.  Why couldn’t Shinji have grown cat ears when he was trying to pilot unit 01?  He should have at least been bitten by a radioactive Pen Pen.  The penultimate villain in FLCL is a giant gunslinging cowboy hand.  Sure beats the hell out of Ramiel.

In conclusion, we give this show 1 Pen -Pen out of 5.  Gendo’s early Evangelion builds used the “Chew up the pilot like an after dinner mint” model, instead of the much less satisfying Entry Plug they eventually went with.  Stupid HR department.

As a last shot, I don’t think you can really talk about FLCL without mentioning the soundtrack by The Pillows.  If you don’t know it, it’s amazing.
As a slightly more lasterer shot- What the hell is this show about?  Seriously?  So weird.  I love it, don’t get me wrong, but it makes about as much sense as a screen door on a flying cat.

Guess it doesn’t matter.  It’s a fooly, cooly kind of thing.

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Watchmen (the movie)

Welcome back, everybody.  Somebody once asked, who watches the watchmen?  And clearly the answer is Seele.  Come along this week as we see if the test name for the Archimedes was really Unit 00

If you’ve never read it, Watchmen is a comic book.  And yes, we’ve read it. We’ve just chosen to do the movie this week.  Maybe some other time we’ll have a very special “Tales of the Black Freighter” EiE… Anyway, if you’ve never watched it, Watchmen is about a giant blue penis and the wacky adventures in time travel and various dickery it gets up to.  Oh and also a cast of characters that aren’t penises, but sometimes have them.  Or are them.  There are a few vaginas too, but mostly just dicks. All right, really Watchmen is about what happens when superheroes get old and everybody forgets why we kept them around in the first place.  Namely because they can do all the awesome shit we’re too busy watching American Idol to get around to.

1) Rorshach is what Shinji would have been if the world hadn’t exploded first.

I’d say Shinji was seriously close to snapping, but lets be honest: Shinji probably snapped about four times over the course of Evangelion.  Let’s just say that if post Toji-maiming Shinji hadn’t had access to a mech, the opening of watchmen would have gone: “Rorshach’s journal: I musn’t run away, I musn’t run away, I mustn’t run away

2) Rei, through a combination of her nature and some scientific dicking around, becomes an omnipotent being capable of altering reality itself.  Dr. Manhattan, through mostly just the scientific dicking around, becomes much the same.

They even had inexplicable crushes on vastly inferior mortals, being willing to bend the laws of space time for their chosen one’s affections.  I think if Rei had taken off to Mars to live in a crystal palace it would have been the final nail…  Dr. Manhattan even has Rei’s blue color scheme!  And while Shinji had to have uncomfortable memories of Rei’s naked breasts, Doc spread his love around- making sure to be pantsless at every opportunity.

3) The Comedian is a morally ambiguous character who pokes his nose where it doesn’t belong, earning him a premature death just as he’s putting the pieces together.  In Evangelion, his name was Kaji.

They’re both horndogs, more than willing to get a little randy when it served their purposes.  Don’t get me wrong, the Comedian is by far the worse human being.  Kaji may have broken Misato’s heart, but he didn’t shoot her down in cold blood. I also can’t see the Comedian growing a humble melon patch.  Both however, weren’t quite nihilistic enough for the world ending ridiculosity of their series’ villains, earning each an ignominious death.

4) In the world of Evangelion, the pilots are blamed for the collateral damage caused by their fights with the evil angels, breeding resentment and hatred.  In Watchmen, the heroes are the collateral damage of the fight against evil.

As in both groups end up feared by the general populace, despite ostensibly serving it.  Yet you never hear somebody running up to Nerv and saying “If you really wanted to fight Angels, you wouldn’t hide behind a plug suit!”

5)Ozymandias was Nerv, the rest of the Heroes were Seele

Seele knew something was up.  They were sniffing around, looking for clues as to what was going on, trying to piece together how it was all going down.  Sure they’d shared the same goal as Ozymandias at one point, but that was a while ago.  Now it looked like Nerv was off on its own tangent of their original goal.  It was up to a plucky Kaworu and his brooding partner Shinji to put the pieces together!
Okay, I may have gotten mixed up somewhere.  Point being, by the time they actually got their shit together to do something about it, their respective foes had already put their plan into action and it was much, much too late.
And yes I did just cast Kaworu as Owlman.  I was going to make Shinji Silk Spectre II, but given the first point I’d be going back on myself.

In closing we give Watchmen 4 pen-pens out of Five.  If the people had cast out Nerv and forced them into hiding like in Watchmen, the series would have been a hell of a lot shorter.  “Ha! We showed those stupid pilots! We don’t need their mech drivin’ asses around here!  What’s that?  What do you mean there’s a 200 foot long flying flatworm bearing down on Tokyo?  Kind of resembles a giant penis, you say?  Well, yes, I’d agree we’re fucked but that’s no reason for that kind of… it’s every reason you say?  Yes, well, I’ll see you in hell too.  Thanks for calling, mother. ”

I’d like it entered into the record, by the way, that I didn’t make a comparison between the uncomfortable masturbation and the Archimedes-sex scenes of the respective properties.  You’re welcome.

PS-> In case it wasn’t incredibly obvious, I’ll only be doing five points while I’m on my own.

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Quick Hits!

In honor of hitting 5000 hits (which is not a huge number, but is a pretty big number for a site that Perch and I maintain for shits and also giggles) here are some quick hits to say thanks!
In Guild Wars 2 demos, you’re required to work together to take down the Shatterer, but you better get your pirouette right or you’ll be forced to wear leg warmers and dance to the beat.  FYI Asuka would be tanking Shatterer, Rei would be guarding the catapults and Shinji would be sad about manning the laser…. I mean, taking the shot.

In the Mists of Pandaria the war of the Horde and Alliance will unleash terrible vengeful spirits.  Now I’m not saying that they’re going to use these spirits against each other, but Azeroth has kind of already had its third impact.  Mankrik is one Gnome with a Mecha away from from creating Nerv.

In Evangelion, Misato managed to get a penguin companion to help in her story quests.  In Star Wars: The Old Republic, this was clearly extended to all the players.

Anyway, thanks for googling our pictures, and here’s to hoping you read more of our articles in the future!

Signed with love,

Perch and Kinotu

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Straight Outta Lynnwood, album by Weird Al Yankovic

Welcome back everybody.  This week I thought I’d give a look at a medium that’s escaped our scrutiny before.  Remember, everything is Evangelion.  Thus, the question this week is: Why did Weird Al do an entire album about Evangelion?  Don’t believe me? Read on!

If you’ve never heard of Weird Al Yankovic… what the hell are you doing on the internet?  Weird Al should come in some kind of geek introductory package or something.  Like, you should open this package and it’s just links to Wil Wheaton’s blog, Weird Al’s videos, LoLcats, and a complimentary flame war.  Anyway, being the internet and all, I’ll just state that Weird Al is a musician who truly shreds. Trufax.  Anyway, apparently at some point during his 35 year career he decided to do an album, secretly dedicated to our favorite show.  He thought he could slip it past us, but this is Everything is Evangelion.  Nothing gets by us.

1) “Virus Alert” (Track 6) is clearly about Iruel.

The nanoscopic angel who attempted to infect all of Nerv was essentially a virus.  Seizing upon this, Al wrote a song about a virus that would ruin your life.  In the song, Al talks about the virus translating your documents into Swahili.  In Eva we saw Iruel rewriting the code of the Magi, making them indecipherable to the Nerv users.  Further lyrics: “If you get infected, you’ll wish you had never been born“.  Need I say more?  Also, I’m pretty sure Iruel would have emailed your grandmother all of your Rei porn.

2) “Confessions Part III” (Track 7) is clearly about Gendo’s guilty conscience.

I mean, if anybody in Eva would have a tormented psyche, it would be Gendo.  He starts off talking about the “skank he’d been cheating with” and that she was “having his kid”.  Clearly alluding to Naoko and their illegitimate clone child Rei.  Al takes some poetic license here; but let’s really look at some of these confessions and think about the fact that Gendo got his wife’s soul absorbed into a 5 story tall murder machine driven by their broken child:

When I told you I knew Pauly Shore, that was a lie.  Don’t know what I said that for.
Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on your cat.”
Yes I lied, that dress makes you look fat.”

Now try to tell me that’s not about Gendo.

3) “I’ll Sue Ya” (Track 4) is obviously about Nerv’s feelings towards Seele

Here is a song about unbridled rage at the breaking of an implied contract between two legitimately concerned parties.  I mean, let’s look at some of the example “suits” Al throws into this song

I sued Home Depot, because they sold me a hammer that they knew I might drop on my toes.” – Gee I wonder what kind of dangerous technology Seele helped Nerv develop, even knowing that the technology could possibly lead to death and destruction or worse!

I sued Earthlink, ’cause I called ’em up and they had the nerve to put me on hold” – Do you think Gendo didn’t try to reach out to Seele to reach his goals in a properly cooperative venture?  Okay, maybe not… but you know damn well he held a grudge the first time he called a monolith and got their monolithic secretary.  Or some monolith pretending to be an answering machine….

4) “Weasel Stomping Day” (Track 8 ) is certainly a metaphor for the descent of Seele’s Evas during End of Evangelion

It seems like a happy-go-lucky tune, like a scene where Asuka displays her true prowess at last.  Soon enough however, you realize that it’s a horrible song about animal cruelty.  Like a terribly executed death of a great character in a terrible way.

Just sayin’

5) “Do I Creep You Out” (Track 10) is such an homage to Shinji/Asuka

He masturbated over the comatose body of one of his co-workers.  Come on! Anyway, the song is all about the awkward and halting attempts at romance of an obviously backwards protagonist.  “Sometimes I drool, usually I stare…” How many times does Shinji need to stare wistfully and for uncomfortably lengthy periods of time before this sinks in?  “Know exactly where you live now, followed you from work back to your house.” Of course he did, he lives with her.  Probably because the paperwork for the restraining order never went through.  Stupid Nerv Red Tape.

In conclusion we give this album 3 Pen Pens out of Five.  Mostly because Al never sang a song about Pen Pen.  This is clearly an oversight that’s probably resolved on the B-Sides album, but I haven’t managed to track down a copy of “The Compleat Al” yet.

Anyway, there you go 7 points that irrefutably prove that Al’s “Straight Outta Lynnwood” album was about Evangelion.  Told you guys, nothing gets by us!

Perch: That was only 5 points.

SHUT UPS! You’re not even here!

…Besides, this whole article was really just an excuse to get “Weird Al” into our categories.

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Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann (Spoiler Warnings)

Don’t call it a comeback.

Mostly because that would imply there was something huge here to come back to, and we both know that’s not true.  Besides which, Perch is still out working her tuchus off on a project that we hope to shamelessly shill on this very site one day.  So for now, you’re stuck with me, ol’ unc’a Kin to show you whiper-snappers how everything you’ve ever loved was actually this other thing you once loved- namely Evangelion.  And what better way to get back in the run of things than with a show that just screams NGE- TTGL.  Because I’m not typing Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann a million times during this article.  The fact that I’ve typed it twice has already got me too tired to make more than 5 points.

Yes this week we’re going to do a little digging and see if we can find unit 001 underneath TTGL’s village.  If you think this new darling is sacred, well, just who the hell do you think we are?

If you’ve never seen it, TTGL is about a boy named Simon with the most powerful drill in the universe.  You’re gonna think that’s a euphamism for his penis.  That’s only true about a third the time! The other two thirds are a euphamism for balls, and a euphamsim for evolution, respectively. Anyway, Simon is joined by his “bro” Kamina, and their lady friend Yoko.  Together, they must dig up until they’ve freed the universe from the tyranny of the beast men.  At least, for the first half of the show.  The second half of the show is about what happens when anime producers no longer get told “no, that’d be silly.”

1. MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Kinotu: The fifth exclamation point is what really lets you know I mean business.  The first four might have left some room for ambiguity.  Wouldn’t you say?

Kinotu: You’re on own until further notice, remember?

Kinotu: Oh yeah… Well didn’t this just get awkward…

Anyway- Evas have faces, Lagan/Gurren mechs have faces.  Point resolved!

2) Yoko, like Misato, is a competent, highly effective female combatant.  Until you take away her boyfriend.

-Both women are super good at their jobs, great fighters when they need to be, and totally throw sanity out the window when the man of their choice decides he’d rather take a hike than help them stress test their bed springs.

Some of you more clever monkeys are drawing some parallels here, but I’m trying not to spoil the show too badly.

3) Evangelion set the bar for going off the rails at the end of the series.  TTGL tries to follow it up from a different tack, but comes short.

Par exemple- Eva: “Holy crap, last two episodes? What if Shinji goes slowly insane and pictures his life as a high school comedy?”  TTGL: “Holy crap, last two episodes? What if someone threw a galaxy like a ninja star?

Okay, okay, I’ll concede that’s pretty rad.

4) First half Simon is Shinji.

-Cowardly, reluctant, and incapable of acting without someone much stronger pushing him to be a better person.  The difference being that Simon manages what we always wished Shinji would- the ability to nut the ‘eff up.  I’ll be fair to Shinji and give him the edge in terrible traumatizing experiences, but still…  Also, the comparison dies by the second half, since by the end of the series, Simon is an intergalactic 70’s space-gigolo who has galaxies thrown at him.  Which to be fair, if Shinji had grown a pair, might have happened to him too.  Who knows, maybe that’s what he asked giant Wish-Rei to do for him…

5) In Evangelion, humans used the bodies of the angels to create Evas to fight against the angels. In TTGL, humans use the mechs of the beastmen to create Gurren Lagann to fight against the beastmen.

– They also just hijack the beastmen’s mechs (gunmen) straight-up, but that’s beside the point.  I’m pretty sure if Asuka could have gotten a proper saddle, she would have just ridden Shamshel into battle.  Trust me, the symbolism would not have been lost on us.

In conclusion we give TTGL two pen-pens out of five.  When Shinji was reviewing alternate realitys he could have been born into, we’re pretty sure flamboyant space gigolo was high up on his list.

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Another hiatus?

We will almost certainly be burned at the stake.

So, sorry, but this site is a hobby and both Perch and Kinotu have some professional deadlines they need to meet in the near future. Unfortunately, that means there probably won’t be any reviews for a couple of weeks. We may try to come in and do some quick hits, but otherwise take a look around the site and enjoy some of our past works. Detatoko Princess was pretty popular!

Thanks for your continued viewership, we certainly appreciate it and we’re looking forward to revealing more Evangelion similarities as soon as we can.

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