Quick Hits!

In honor of hitting 5000 hits (which is not a huge number, but is a pretty big number for a site that Perch and I maintain for shits and also giggles) here are some quick hits to say thanks!
In Guild Wars 2 demos, you’re required to work together to take down the Shatterer, but you better get your pirouette right or you’ll be forced to wear leg warmers and dance to the beat.  FYI Asuka would be tanking Shatterer, Rei would be guarding the catapults and Shinji would be sad about manning the laser…. I mean, taking the shot.

In the Mists of Pandaria the war of the Horde and Alliance will unleash terrible vengeful spirits.  Now I’m not saying that they’re going to use these spirits against each other, but Azeroth has kind of already had its third impact.  Mankrik is one Gnome with a Mecha away from from creating Nerv.

In Evangelion, Misato managed to get a penguin companion to help in her story quests.  In Star Wars: The Old Republic, this was clearly extended to all the players.

Anyway, thanks for googling our pictures, and here’s to hoping you read more of our articles in the future!

Signed with love,

Perch and Kinotu

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Straight Outta Lynnwood, album by Weird Al Yankovic

Welcome back everybody.  This week I thought I’d give a look at a medium that’s escaped our scrutiny before.  Remember, everything is Evangelion.  Thus, the question this week is: Why did Weird Al do an entire album about Evangelion?  Don’t believe me? Read on!

If you’ve never heard of Weird Al Yankovic… what the hell are you doing on the internet?  Weird Al should come in some kind of geek introductory package or something.  Like, you should open this package and it’s just links to Wil Wheaton’s blog, Weird Al’s videos, LoLcats, and a complimentary flame war.  Anyway, being the internet and all, I’ll just state that Weird Al is a musician who truly shreds. Trufax.  Anyway, apparently at some point during his 35 year career he decided to do an album, secretly dedicated to our favorite show.  He thought he could slip it past us, but this is Everything is Evangelion.  Nothing gets by us.

1) “Virus Alert” (Track 6) is clearly about Iruel.

The nanoscopic angel who attempted to infect all of Nerv was essentially a virus.  Seizing upon this, Al wrote a song about a virus that would ruin your life.  In the song, Al talks about the virus translating your documents into Swahili.  In Eva we saw Iruel rewriting the code of the Magi, making them indecipherable to the Nerv users.  Further lyrics: “If you get infected, you’ll wish you had never been born“.  Need I say more?  Also, I’m pretty sure Iruel would have emailed your grandmother all of your Rei porn.

2) “Confessions Part III” (Track 7) is clearly about Gendo’s guilty conscience.

I mean, if anybody in Eva would have a tormented psyche, it would be Gendo.  He starts off talking about the “skank he’d been cheating with” and that she was “having his kid”.  Clearly alluding to Naoko and their illegitimate clone child Rei.  Al takes some poetic license here; but let’s really look at some of these confessions and think about the fact that Gendo got his wife’s soul absorbed into a 5 story tall murder machine driven by their broken child:

When I told you I knew Pauly Shore, that was a lie.  Don’t know what I said that for.
Once I blew my nose and then I wiped it on your cat.”
Yes I lied, that dress makes you look fat.”

Now try to tell me that’s not about Gendo.

3) “I’ll Sue Ya” (Track 4) is obviously about Nerv’s feelings towards Seele

Here is a song about unbridled rage at the breaking of an implied contract between two legitimately concerned parties.  I mean, let’s look at some of the example “suits” Al throws into this song

I sued Home Depot, because they sold me a hammer that they knew I might drop on my toes.” – Gee I wonder what kind of dangerous technology Seele helped Nerv develop, even knowing that the technology could possibly lead to death and destruction or worse!

I sued Earthlink, ’cause I called ’em up and they had the nerve to put me on hold” – Do you think Gendo didn’t try to reach out to Seele to reach his goals in a properly cooperative venture?  Okay, maybe not… but you know damn well he held a grudge the first time he called a monolith and got their monolithic secretary.  Or some monolith pretending to be an answering machine….

4) “Weasel Stomping Day” (Track 8 ) is certainly a metaphor for the descent of Seele’s Evas during End of Evangelion

It seems like a happy-go-lucky tune, like a scene where Asuka displays her true prowess at last.  Soon enough however, you realize that it’s a horrible song about animal cruelty.  Like a terribly executed death of a great character in a terrible way.

Just sayin’

5) “Do I Creep You Out” (Track 10) is such an homage to Shinji/Asuka

He masturbated over the comatose body of one of his co-workers.  Come on! Anyway, the song is all about the awkward and halting attempts at romance of an obviously backwards protagonist.  “Sometimes I drool, usually I stare…” How many times does Shinji need to stare wistfully and for uncomfortably lengthy periods of time before this sinks in?  “Know exactly where you live now, followed you from work back to your house.” Of course he did, he lives with her.  Probably because the paperwork for the restraining order never went through.  Stupid Nerv Red Tape.

In conclusion we give this album 3 Pen Pens out of Five.  Mostly because Al never sang a song about Pen Pen.  This is clearly an oversight that’s probably resolved on the B-Sides album, but I haven’t managed to track down a copy of “The Compleat Al” yet.

Anyway, there you go 7 points that irrefutably prove that Al’s “Straight Outta Lynnwood” album was about Evangelion.  Told you guys, nothing gets by us!

Perch: That was only 5 points.

SHUT UPS! You’re not even here!

…Besides, this whole article was really just an excuse to get “Weird Al” into our categories.

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Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann (Spoiler Warnings)

Don’t call it a comeback.

Mostly because that would imply there was something huge here to come back to, and we both know that’s not true.  Besides which, Perch is still out working her tuchus off on a project that we hope to shamelessly shill on this very site one day.  So for now, you’re stuck with me, ol’ unc’a Kin to show you whiper-snappers how everything you’ve ever loved was actually this other thing you once loved- namely Evangelion.  And what better way to get back in the run of things than with a show that just screams NGE- TTGL.  Because I’m not typing Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann a million times during this article.  The fact that I’ve typed it twice has already got me too tired to make more than 5 points.

Yes this week we’re going to do a little digging and see if we can find unit 001 underneath TTGL’s village.  If you think this new darling is sacred, well, just who the hell do you think we are?

If you’ve never seen it, TTGL is about a boy named Simon with the most powerful drill in the universe.  You’re gonna think that’s a euphamism for his penis.  That’s only true about a third the time! The other two thirds are a euphamism for balls, and a euphamsim for evolution, respectively. Anyway, Simon is joined by his “bro” Kamina, and their lady friend Yoko.  Together, they must dig up until they’ve freed the universe from the tyranny of the beast men.  At least, for the first half of the show.  The second half of the show is about what happens when anime producers no longer get told “no, that’d be silly.”

1. MMMMMMMMEEEEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Kinotu: The fifth exclamation point is what really lets you know I mean business.  The first four might have left some room for ambiguity.  Wouldn’t you say?

Kinotu: You’re on own until further notice, remember?

Kinotu: Oh yeah… Well didn’t this just get awkward…

Anyway- Evas have faces, Lagan/Gurren mechs have faces.  Point resolved!

2) Yoko, like Misato, is a competent, highly effective female combatant.  Until you take away her boyfriend.

-Both women are super good at their jobs, great fighters when they need to be, and totally throw sanity out the window when the man of their choice decides he’d rather take a hike than help them stress test their bed springs.

Some of you more clever monkeys are drawing some parallels here, but I’m trying not to spoil the show too badly.

3) Evangelion set the bar for going off the rails at the end of the series.  TTGL tries to follow it up from a different tack, but comes short.

Par exemple- Eva: “Holy crap, last two episodes? What if Shinji goes slowly insane and pictures his life as a high school comedy?”  TTGL: “Holy crap, last two episodes? What if someone threw a galaxy like a ninja star?

Okay, okay, I’ll concede that’s pretty rad.

4) First half Simon is Shinji.

-Cowardly, reluctant, and incapable of acting without someone much stronger pushing him to be a better person.  The difference being that Simon manages what we always wished Shinji would- the ability to nut the ‘eff up.  I’ll be fair to Shinji and give him the edge in terrible traumatizing experiences, but still…  Also, the comparison dies by the second half, since by the end of the series, Simon is an intergalactic 70’s space-gigolo who has galaxies thrown at him.  Which to be fair, if Shinji had grown a pair, might have happened to him too.  Who knows, maybe that’s what he asked giant Wish-Rei to do for him…

5) In Evangelion, humans used the bodies of the angels to create Evas to fight against the angels. In TTGL, humans use the mechs of the beastmen to create Gurren Lagann to fight against the beastmen.

– They also just hijack the beastmen’s mechs (gunmen) straight-up, but that’s beside the point.  I’m pretty sure if Asuka could have gotten a proper saddle, she would have just ridden Shamshel into battle.  Trust me, the symbolism would not have been lost on us.

In conclusion we give TTGL two pen-pens out of five.  When Shinji was reviewing alternate realitys he could have been born into, we’re pretty sure flamboyant space gigolo was high up on his list.

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Another hiatus?

We will almost certainly be burned at the stake.

So, sorry, but this site is a hobby and both Perch and Kinotu have some professional deadlines they need to meet in the near future. Unfortunately, that means there probably won’t be any reviews for a couple of weeks. We may try to come in and do some quick hits, but otherwise take a look around the site and enjoy some of our past works. Detatoko Princess was pretty popular!

Thanks for your continued viewership, we certainly appreciate it and we’re looking forward to revealing more Evangelion similarities as soon as we can.

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Coyote Ragtime Show

Welcome again folks, this week EiE pays its two-bits to see the Coyote Ragtime Show.  Mostly because we heard Shinji plays the piano and Asuka does the can-can.

If you’ve never seen it, Coyote Ragtime show is a 12 episode anime featuring the exploits of an old man running the shadiest branch of the Make-a-Wish foundation in the galaxy.  Along with the little girl who wishes she didn’t have daddy issues they have to evade the state comptroller trying to shut down his operation!  Okay, not really… to any of that.  It’s actually about “pirates” and robot-girls in Lolita outfits.

1) In Coyote Ragtime Show (CRS), Franca chases the love of her dead father.  In Evangelion, Shinji chases the love of a father that’s just dead inside.

Perch: And in both cases, the mother’s duty is to be dead.

Kinotu: Luckily Franca’s mom takes her job much more seriously and stays nicely in the mists of time.  Unlike some overprotective souls I could mention.

2) In Evangelion, Koaru is sent from Seele to destroy Nerv, but he falls for that irrascible Shinji.  In CRS, Angelica is sent from the government to stop those pirates, but falls for that irrascible Mister.

Kinotu: What? Shinji is totally irrascible! Alright, but the point still stands.

Perch: Considering Kowaru’s choices were- Gendo, bad-ass silent Rei, completely catatonic Asuka, or Misato who’d hit rock bottom after Kaji’s death; Shinji looks pretty good.  Whereas Angelica hit the prize the first time.

Kinotu: I think you’re discounting Bishop’s smarmy machismo here.

3) When Seele finally chooses to assault Nerv it’s with their own overwhelming force of special-made evas.  When Marciano chooses to assault anybody, it’s wtih her own overwhelming force of special-made robotic daughters.

Perch: Little do most viewers know, those white Angels were all named after the days of the week.

4) In Evangelion, they’re trying to stop the Third Impact- an explosion big enough to destroy the world.  In CRS, it’s just a bomb, but still with the planet exploding thing.

5) Gendo created Rei as the daughter he’d never have and a tool to help him reach his ultimate goal.  Marciano created her twelve sisters for pretty much the same reason.

Kintou: The main difference being that Gendo knew he was a one-kid type of dude, while Marciano had aims on winning the inter-crime-syndicate basketball league.

Perch: Two kids, he had two kids.  I can see where you made the mistake though, it’s the same problem Marciano has whenever she thinks of making a boy.

Kinotu: Quite frankly, I’m pretty sure if you told Gendo he had a boy he’d have the same reaction.

6) Shinji lives with an irresponsible “adult” incapable of even cooking for themselves.  Franca just gave up and became a semi-professional cook.

Perch: The difference being that Franca had to take care of not just her missing guardian, she also had to take care of every bounty-hunter in the club.  i.e.- Every smelly old man in the galaxy.  Whereas Shinji had to cook for one alcoholic and a penguin.

Kinotu: Hey, have you seen the way that penguin eats? He could demolish a Vegas buffet!

7) Misato has to wrangle three idiotic kids into doing what’s best for the mission.  Mister on the other hand has a well behaved staff who work with clock-work precision… wait, no, I’m thinking of my watch.

Kinotu: Though I think I’ll give Mister the edge.  He actually delegates and uses his resources wisely.  Misato tends to just throw a kid at a problem until it explodes.

Perch: To be fair in this situation, one anime had a group of adults and a kid; who was slung around like a sack of potatoes from one point to the next in the narrative.  In Evangelion, they managed to find the world’s most dysfunctional, desperately in need of psychologists, children to pilot their giant killing machines.  And then told them to suck it up and act like adults when they clearly weren’t.

In conclusion we give this anime four pen-pens out of five.  There were no Cowboy Bebop reruns on and Shinji had broken his Outlaw Star tapes.

Perch: You don’t want to know what he used to do in the middle of the night with his Twilight Suzuka and Faye Valentine action figures.

Kinotu: I bet it’s not the first time Wendee Lee had to make out with herself.

Posted in Coyote Ragtime Show, Evangelion, Everything is Evangelion | Leave a comment

The Sacred Blacksmith

This week in Evangelion land we take a trip into a strange and magical world, where our cast tries to masquerade as a group of gender swapped sword swingers, in The Sacred Blacksmith.

If you’ve never seen it Sacred Blacksmith is a 12 episode series about the adventures of the world’s most worthless knight Cecily and her attempts to not use her boobs to convince a surly half-assed blacksmith to give her a free sword. And something about demon blades, curses and saving the world, but seriously have you seen the size of her tits? Because every single woman on that show has and they will make sure each person in the city of Housman knows about them.

01. The Cast of Sacred Blacksmith is Evangelion gender/species-swapped.

Perch: Ha you thought I was going to save this for last didn’t you? Nope. Cecily is Shinji, Luke is Asuka, Lisa is Kaworu and Aria is Rei…? Okay it’s not perfect, but Francisca is totally Rei.

Kinotu: Yeah they decided to give Rei a lesser role and give Kaworu a bigger one, kind of how many people wished.

02. In Evangelion, Shinji claims to be the son of Gendo Ikari though you’d never know it by Gendo’s behavior. In Sacred Blacksmith the Emperor can’t even be arsed to show up to deny Charlotte’s claim to the throne.

Perch: Or her biscuit.*

*Note: Denying your biscuit is an obscure reference to English Dub only fans of Mew Mew Power telling the sub fans of the show, ‘sure this dub shit all over the characters and even the original plot of the anime, but now her transformation sequence rhymes and that’s all that counts.’

Kinotu: I’m pretty sure if Gendo could have denied Shinji’s existence while still making him pilot the Eva he would have done so.

Perch: Yes, and the Emperor got what he wanted as well. Get rid of an annoying ‘pretender’ get to keep all her awesome demon blades. Really this point boils down to what if Yui had told Shinji her dying wish was that he pilot a giant robot and make up with Gendo. Instead Yui told Gendo to take care of Shinji and Gendo felt that the best solution was cramming his son into a giant mech whilst emotionally scarring him even more for fun.

Kinotu: To be fair, the Eva’s are powered by emotional scarring.

03. Speaking of mothers both shows plots tend to be driven by and for them.

Perch: Metaphorically speaking in Cecily’s case where the more her mother pushes her to be more ‘womanly’ the more she clings to her father’s ideal.  Or Charlotte’s where her mother’s pipe dream of reuniting with the man who kicked her out of his kingdom for getting knocked up with his bastard. Versus Shinji and Asuka who are literally piloting their moms.

Kinotu: You know, maybe Cecily’s mom was just trying to tell her something. I mean she was terrible at her job.

Perch: Hey she got better when she got that sentient sword. I mean sure she couldn’t hold on to it for longer than three minutes at a time in a fight, but it was still, sadly, an improvement.

04. In Evangelion Misato is helped by a crew of Bridge Bunnies. In Sacred Blacksmith that’s called Charlotte’s attendants.

Kinotu: They even comprise of the same job role, i.e. having to fob off an idiot.

Perch: And it’s for each shows Shinji too!

05. Sacred Blacksmith has a two pronged story arc. One: Cecily wants a katana, but doesn’t want to pay for it and two: Luke needs to forge a sword to keep the local grand demon under wraps for another few years. Evangelion’s two pronged story arc consisted of Shinji’s whining and something something Seele, oh no angels, something. We think.

Perch: And in both shows everyone forgets about the opposing force they’re trying to stop, i.e. Seele or that demon we mentioned.

Kinotu: Yeah, he really is just “that demon we mentioned”, he’s just that dude.  He never actually shows up.

Perch: Hey he shows up in flashbacks! It’s like Monoliths only less cool! And we have Seigfried to be the SURPRISE! villain for this season. Which really boils down to, ‘hey guys, we totally need another season to explain how big Cecily’s ta-tas are so how about we give you this throwaway bullshit ending and you renew us for another twelve episodes?’

Kinotu: Hey, I’ve seen PBS mini-specials that didn’t have enough episodes to explain how big her jubblies are.

Perch: Is this just an exercise to use every single uncomfortable reference to breasts we can think of off the top of our heads?

Kinotu: I’ve got like ten more.

Perch: Well we need two more points, so break out your thesaurus…

06. In Sacred Blacksmith Aria desperately wants to learn the purpose to swords, like herself, who can turn into people. In Evangelion Rei is trying to discover the purpose of people like her, clones who are used like kleenix.

Perch: The answer to both being, you’re a convenient plot excuse to make our show that much cooler. I mean… all the answers Aria receives are things she doesn’t want to hear and Rei ends up just saying fuck it and getting revenge on Gendo be denying his eternal rest and reward of being reunited with Yui.

07. In Evangelion Rei is created to allow the operation of Unit 0. In Sacred Blacksmith Lisa is created to allow Luke to be a blacksmith.

Perch: Because all his years of hard work didn’t mean shit, even with the magical portable forge, I mean Lisa.

Kinotu: Hey he had years practice yelling “Fold” at random things.

Perch: He smacked shit with a hammer sometimes too. Ultimately it’s ironic that he was better with a sword than the swordswoman, but such a shitty blacksmith when he’s the titular only-you-can-save us guy. Makes you wish that Cecily had just said fuck it and yelled FOLD a few times.

Kinotu: That hammer comment just makes me picture him as some kind of laundromat galley master.

In conclusion we give Sacred Blacksmith one Pen-Pen, though seriously Shinji, next time you cosplay lay off on the fake tits.

Kinotu: I always knew he enjoyed wearing Asuka’s plug suit a little too much.

Perch: And titties if the new Evangelion movies are just his post-series fever dreams.

Kinotu: I’d also like to take a moment to point out that while we’re all wondering who forged the massive plate puppy holder for Cecily, we’ve not pointed out that the living sword is wearing a thong.  And what the fuck with that…

Perch: Well you see sometimes when a sword turns into a girl she still wants the snug feeling of a hilt and then the space-time…okay look Rei likes thongs! Asuka said it looked trashy, but screw it thong life forever!

Posted in Evangelion, Everything is Evangelion, Sacred Blacksmith | Leave a comment

Assassin’s Creed I & II

Hello once again folks.  This week we throw Assassin’s creed into the animus so we can travel back in their genetic memory to play Evangelion…

If you’ve never played it, Assassin’s Creed is the story of a dork who happens to be descended from a line of killers.  Super important killers on a mission of utmost importance.  That mission is mostly to murder people.  Their mission also involves being spider-men, but I get the impression that’s more of a fringe benefit.  Also, for the record we haven’t played Brotherhood, so this won’t deal with any canon after II.

1) In Evangelion, everyone is told that a meteor impact caused the world to go to hell, but we learn it’s actually because some idiot poked an angel with a stick.  In Assassin’s Creed we think we know our history, but it turns out there was actually a mystical McGuffin guiding everything behind the scenes.

Kinotu: The number of Pieces of Eden that were poked with sticks remains uncounted.

Perch: Luckily, however, the number of impacts was not affected by the number of pokes the angel received.

Kinotu: No, but I like to think the size of the impact was affected.

2) In order to be effective characters, the protagonists of both series need to strap themselves, reluctantly, into a strange machine.

Perch: I’m gonna give this one to Shinji.  It takes a hard man to turn away from a girl bleeding to death.  First-game Desmond would have stepped on her.  Whereas if they’d strapped Shinji into the animus, they never would have gotten him out again.

Kinotu: Yeah, except who would his genetic ancestor have been? Because if he just stepped back into Gendo’s shoes, I think it would have broken him even harder…

Perch: You have a point… Or it could explain the creepy, creepy first Rei and their relationship.

3) Abstergo corporation (/the Templars) versus the Assassins neatly mirrors Seele vs Nerv

Kinotu: Both are super shady groups with muddled goals and objectives.  None of them have truly got the best interest of humanity at heart.

Perch: Yeah, but Seele’s got one up.  Have you ever seen those monoliths in high-heels?  Rrrowr!  I’m not sayin’, I’m just sayin’… rowr! I’d harass those monoliths any day!

Kinotu: …

4) Shinji follows the ghost of his father, jumping into the Evangelion in a vain attempt to understand the man.  Ezio follows the ghost of his father, jumping into murdering people in a vain attempt to avenge the man.

Kinotu: I think Ezio wins that one.  I mean, at the end of the day, Shinji’s still a lonely little boy.  By the end, Ezio’s still got a near catatonic mother and a dead father, but at least he’s also got a mountain of corpses to plant a little flag on.

Perch: Did you not watch the same anime as me? ‘Cause at the end of the day, Shinji’s got a mountain of angels to plant a flag on.  If the Eva hasn’t eaten them first.

Kinotu: Yeah that’s, what, 12 dudes?  Between a lousy targeting system and a proclivity to throw tasty bards at you, Ezio racks up more kills before brunch.

Perch: Quality.  Quality over Quantity.  Ezio may have single handedly killed more people than the black plague, but Shinji was the messiah.

5) Misato is the director of Operations for Nerv, taking the brunt of responsibility for ensuring the success of Eva’s sorties.  In Assassin’s Creed, it’s revealed that Lucy holds that position.

Perch: I think Lucy would be a better character if she had a mountain of beer cans at her work station at all times and if she and Desmond played drunken rock/paper/scissors over who had to do the chores.

Kinotu: Hey, to be fair it was Misato’s room that was super messy and we never see Lucy’s room.  So it’s entirely possible it’s covered in empty beer cans.  That said, I’ll totally agree with the rock/paper/scissors thing.

6) Both series feature bridge bunnies!  Eva had Maya, Shigeru, and Makoto. Assassin’s Creed has Warren, Shaun, and Rebecca.

Perch: And if we’d swapped universes, Maya would have attached herself to Lucy in a heartbeat.  Whereas Shaun would have probably had a “mysterious accident” the first time he stumbled over the Rei clones.

Kinotu: Yeah, but Warren would have been busy trying to have a bastard-off with Gendo.  I mean he would have lost, but he still would have been trying.

Perch: Wait, Warren wouldn’t have been the guy poking the angel with a stick?

Kinotu: Well, he certainly would have been after the first time he stepped to Gendo.

7) Al Mualim, headmaster of the Assassin’s guild of Assassin’s Creed I, trains and unleashes Altaïr in what at first appears to be a bid to save and aid humanity. It of course ends up being about bringing personal power to a megalomaniac.  In Evangelion: Gendo.  Do we really need to explain that?

Perch: Though I don’t remember Altaïr crying and being forced into a mech.

Kinotu: No, but Desmond already took that part, so Altaïr couldn’t…

In conclusion we give this game four pen-pens out of five.  If Shinji’d had some hidden arm-blades, the show would have been over in two episodes.

Perch: From accidental stabbings.

Kinotu: Mostly committed while yelling “I MUSN’T RUN AWAY!”

Posted in Assassin's Creed, Evangelion, Everything is Evangelion, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Starcraft

This week, EiE hops an overlord to see where the zerg are hiding Lilith.  Join us as we delve into the Starcraft Universe.

If you’ve never played it, Starcraft is a series of Real-Time Strategy games starting in 1997 and continuing with the latest release a little over a year ago (their one year anniversary was… last week I think?).  As far as the story goes: What if Australia had been populated by confederacy loving rednecks… and was in space. And then what if Tremors happened to them.  All while aliens with no mouths tried to eliminate the whole lot of ’em.  That something would be very similar to Starcraft’s origins.

1) The zerg spread a primordial goo called “creep” that contains the essential building blocks of their people.  Sounds a lot like a certain soup made out of quintessential human goo, LCL.

Perch: Difference being that LCL kinda happened… and it’s up to Shinji- The World’s Greatest Boy- to clap everyone back to normal.

Kinotu: Yeah well, if you’ve ever played against a zerg, creep also kinda happens and it’s up to Control Group 1 -The World’s Greatest Collection of Units I Put In That Control Group- to destroy the encroaching spread.

Perch: Yes, but do they clap?

Kinotu: No, but they can /dance!

2) Sarah Kerrigan the Queen of the Zerg, is a part zerg, part human hybrid.  Rei Ayanami, Queen of Eva 00, is a part angel, part human hybrid.

Perch: They even fit neatly into categories.  The first Rei you meet is Ghost Kerrigan.  The second Rei you meet is Kerrigan, newly Queened.  And God-mode, bewinged, the size of Earth Rei is Kerrigan throughout the second game.

Kinotu: Yeah, that works out about right.  Kerrigan second-game is pretty dedicated to consuming humanity with her swarm.  While God-Mode Rei is pretty dedicated to melting humanity with her goo.

3) The zerg are a mish-mash race of beings, constantly evolving to face the threats that the galaxy throws at them.  The angels are a mish-mash foe, constantly evolving to face the threats that NERV throws at them.

Kinotu: In Starcraft II the zerg evolved banelings to root out the notoriously defensive Terrans.  In Evangelion, the Angels evolved Israfel to combat the notoriously unable-to-dance Shinji and Asuka.

Perch: Yes, but who would win a pop’n’lock contest, Rei or a Baneling because it’s already been established that Asuka was the one holding that team back.

Kinotu: Look, I’ll call you as soon as we get “So you think you can dance: Koprulu Sector”

4) Seele, overseer of NERV, wanted to use the power of the angels (whom NERV was opposing) for their own ends.  The United Earth Directorate, home planet of the exiled terrans, wanted to the use the power of the zerg (whom confederates were otherwise opposing) for their own ends.

Kinotu: I think Seele’s big flaw was that they never released jingoistic propaganda films about the angels.  As reference see Starcraft: Brood War’s cut scenes.  I mean come on, imagine a scene of Seele scientists making an Angel pull a plow while giving a big thumbs up.  Everyone would have turned on Nerv

5) Arcturus Mengsk, head of the Terran Dominion = Gendo Ikari, head of NERV

Perch: And both send down men to be bromances with our plucky if whiny main male characters.  Technically it’s Seele that sends the bromance, but you know Gendo was expecting the package.

Kinotu: Well, him and Kaoru… All right, sorry. Both Gendo and Arcturus are men driven to sacrifice anything and anybody in their way to get what they want.  Also, neither of them seems to get along with their son very well.

6) In Evangelion, all the Angels we see are products of Adam.  Lilith is represented through Rei and her various clones.  In starcraft, Zerg are Adam’s angels and the Protoss are Lilith’s Rei clones.

Perch: It almost makes me wish that in one of the numerous reboots to Evangelion we get to see the story from Seele’s point of view.  Kind of like how if in “Heart of the Swarm” we go to see it from the viewpoint of a lowly zerg Roach writing in his diary.

Kinotu: Heart of the Swarm isn’t out yet so don’t go giving Blizzard any ideas… or it never will come out.  Anyway, it would be kind of nice to find out what’s going on up in Seele’s heads.  I’d always imagined it to be something along the lines of: “Boy those guys sure are doin’ a good job keeping the earth safe.  How can we fuck that up?  Let’s workshop some ideas on how to get us all killed and meet back after lunch.”

7) In Evangelion, Misato was the capable, kick-ass leader who became an object of fan-service.  Starcraft would like you to consider the ghost, Nova.

Kinotu: As a public service we did not link to a google, safe-search off, image search of either character.

Perch: Because we care enough to give you the choice to go do a google image search with the safety off.

Kinotu: Ah who are we kidding.  Go on, we’ll be here when you get back.

In conclusion we give Starcraft three Pen Pens out of five.  The only reason you never saw more than one Angel attack Nerv is because Adam refused to spawn more overlords.

Kinotu: I will say that for all its now-obvious Eva influence, the SCII pro scene is a blast to watch and constantly growing.  It’s quickly becoming my favorite sport.

Perch: Yes.  A blast.  Nothing like every weekend being some kind of craft… I can’t wait for “Diablo-craft, the online-ning” to hit the stores.

Posted in Evangelion, Everything is Evangelion, Starcraft | 1 Comment

Dragon Age 2 (spoilers)

Okay, unpause.  Don’t worry, everyone is recovering nicely.

This week, EiE takes a look at Evangelion Age II… I mean, Dragon Age II, sorry…

If you haven’t played it, Dragon Age II is the story of a homeless immigrant on a noble quest to not die in A) the streets, B) a cave with a campsite in it, C) a monstrosity infested hellhole, or D) Mom’s basement. As you make Hawke dance to your tune, this tale as old as time is being told by the only beardless dwarf in the fantasy genre.

1) We see Dragon Age II, theoretically, through Varric’s eyes.  We see Evangelion, theoretically, through Shinji’s eyes.  Neither of these characters are reliable narrators.  At all.

Kinotu: I’m honestly torn as to which narrator is more unreliable.  I mean, Varric is a hard drinkin’, ner’do’well of a dwarf with a flare for dramatic story-telling.  And Shinji is a… well… a Shinji

Perch: Really their similarities make it hard to distinguish between them.  I mean, Varric had his beloved crossbow, Bianca and Shinji had his beloved walkman, Yvette.  Shut up, her name was Yvette.

2) The Templars are Seele to the Circle of Magi’s Nerv

Kinotu: This one goes pretty well.  See, Nerv was in control of the Evas, which, if not constantly monitored and controlled stood a good chance of going berserk causing untold damage.  Mages suffer a similar “living time bomb waiting to go off” affliction.  And while we the player may snuff them like crappy candles, the game tells us that they’re pretty awful.  So… yeah…

Perch: Man I wish those monoliths had been as proactive as the Templars.  But then again, if the show hadn’t jumped the shark, maybe Kaoru would have unleashed some templar fury on their asses.  As opposed to just chasing Shinji’s ass…

Kinotu: Look, asses would have been involved, either way.

3) Sometimes in animation, frames are repeated to save time and cost.  Sometimes in game development… well, you see where this is going.

Perch: Like, for instance having one still frame of a robot holding a blue haired boy while an entire classical piece plays.

Kinotu: Or finding that one cave in the mountains.  Again.  For the sixth time.

Perch: To be fair, dwarves like their caves to be very uniform.  That still doesn’ t excuse how agonizingly long that classical piece played for.  FYI, yes I know which piece it is.  I just choose not to say it so it doesn’t spoil it for me for the next six years like it did the first time.

Kinotu: So once more we’re back to the unreliable narrator thing, huh.  Varric couldn’t be bothered to describe more than four backgrounds and Shinji got all choked up and stopped talking when he was about to convert Kaoru to his pez form.

Perch: Yes but those caves were told in vivid detail.  The kind of vivid detail that only ten tankards of ale can describe.

Kinotu: …”And have I mentioned how Isabella’s tits kept getting bigger?”

4) With a very few exceptions, Evangelion takes place in Tokyo 3.  With a very few exceptions, Dragon Age II takes place in Kirkwall.

Kinotu: Kirkwall unfortunately was not a city that could transform.

Perch: Though it did have a lively underground.  And the most cliche “Phantom of the Opera” smash/slams into “Frankenstein” storyline ever…

Kinotu: Yeah, well, when you only have three rooms under the city they’re bound to get busy.  And you leave poor Dr. FrankenPhantom alone!  He just wanted to be loved!

5) Isabela is Kaji.  A mysterious character with dubious motivations and an obvious agenda that almost certainly doesn’t mesh with the main characters…

Perch: Unfortunately, unlike Evangelion.  She’s more than willing to try to get information out of every whore in the city.  Versus: Misato.  That would be like discovering Kaji had banged every Nerv employee post series.  It would have drastically changed the sadness of their doomed love.

Kinotu: Yes, but at least then Kaji would have actually earned that man-whore reputation he seemed to be always suffering under anyway.

Perch: See under “Unreliable Narrator”: Misato.  I’m just saying, Drunky McGoo with the penguin in her bathroom may not be the most reliable source for gossip.

Kinotu: Look, if you can’t trust a 29 year old drunken slob with genetically modified waterfowl for a roommate, who can you trust?  Huh, who?

Perch: Ironically… pretty much every other staffer at Nerv.  Including Gendou.

6) Bethany / Carver are equivalent to Toji, they show up for a second, kill a dude or two, then get taken out of the action immediately after.

Kinotu: In Dragon Age’s case whether they get taken out of the action in the first 10 minutes or 75 minutes depends on your gender, but don’t worry, they’re both equally useless like that.

Perch: And in Toji’s case, he was manipulated into being a pilot because of his sister’s fantastically high hospital bills.  The only mystery to Toji was why Gendou didn’t just slap a band-aid on his forhead and tell him to get back out there.  Oh wait, the Eva blew up and they didn’t have a backup.  Whew! Bullet dodged.

Kinotu: Hawke definitely could have used a few spare Evas, I mean, siblings.

Perch: Listen, everyone could have done with a few more siblings in Dragon Age, if only to properly survive the Crack Cavern. Everybody’s sibling gets addicted to crack in that place.  I mean artifact.

Kinotu: “The Crack Cavern” sounds like either the worst or the best nightclub in the run-down part of town, depending on your predilictions.

7) Every romanceable matches one of the Rei clones (including AU clones)

Perch: Now unlike Power Puff Girls, I’ve got this!

Rei 1 (Manipulative Kid Rei) – Isabella

Rei 2 (The first we met) – Sebastion

Rei 3 (The second one we see) – Fenris

Rei 4 (Last two ep’s/Petite Eva Rei) – Merril

Rei 5 (the vats of clones) – Anders

Kinotu: … … … Yeah, all right, I can’t argue with that.

Perch: I WIN EVERY REI CLONE AWARD! Everyone give me your Rei clones! Except for that one… what were you even thinking dude?

Kinotu: See this is why we can’t have nice things.

In conclusion we give Dragon Age II 2 Pen-Pens out of 5.  If they’d brought back Shale the Golem, it would have been indistinguishable from a day in the life of Tokyo 3.

Kinotu: I’m pretty sure there was a scene where Shinji’s Eva went berserk on some pigeons…

Perch: Those pigeons were asking for it.

Kinotu: PS, now we’re totally going to get a ton of hits for people searching “Isabella’s tits” aren’t we?

Perch: We get a ton of hits for that line even if we hadn’t included it.  We just did a gimme.

Posted in Dragon Age II, Evangelion, Everything is Evangelion | Leave a comment

press pause

Hey folks, to be totally serious, we’ve had a medical situation here.  We’ll try to get an entry out later this weekend, but right now it’s not going to happen.

 

Our apologies, this is no way to run a railroad.  We hope you’ll understand.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment