Welcome back, everybody. Somebody once asked, who watches the watchmen? And clearly the answer is Seele. Come along this week as we see if the test name for the Archimedes was really Unit 00
If you’ve never read it, Watchmen is a comic book. And yes, we’ve read it. We’ve just chosen to do the movie this week. Maybe some other time we’ll have a very special “Tales of the Black Freighter” EiE… Anyway, if you’ve never watched it, Watchmen is about a giant blue penis and the wacky adventures in time travel and various dickery it gets up to. Oh and also a cast of characters that aren’t penises, but sometimes have them. Or are them. There are a few vaginas too, but mostly just dicks. All right, really Watchmen is about what happens when superheroes get old and everybody forgets why we kept them around in the first place. Namely because they can do all the awesome shit we’re too busy watching American Idol to get around to.
1) Rorshach is what Shinji would have been if the world hadn’t exploded first.
I’d say Shinji was seriously close to snapping, but lets be honest: Shinji probably snapped about four times over the course of Evangelion. Let’s just say that if post Toji-maiming Shinji hadn’t had access to a mech, the opening of watchmen would have gone: “Rorshach’s journal: I musn’t run away, I musn’t run away, I mustn’t run away”
2) Rei, through a combination of her nature and some scientific dicking around, becomes an omnipotent being capable of altering reality itself. Dr. Manhattan, through mostly just the scientific dicking around, becomes much the same.
They even had inexplicable crushes on vastly inferior mortals, being willing to bend the laws of space time for their chosen one’s affections. I think if Rei had taken off to Mars to live in a crystal palace it would have been the final nail… Dr. Manhattan even has Rei’s blue color scheme! And while Shinji had to have uncomfortable memories of Rei’s naked breasts, Doc spread his love around- making sure to be pantsless at every opportunity.
3) The Comedian is a morally ambiguous character who pokes his nose where it doesn’t belong, earning him a premature death just as he’s putting the pieces together. In Evangelion, his name was Kaji.
They’re both horndogs, more than willing to get a little randy when it served their purposes. Don’t get me wrong, the Comedian is by far the worse human being. Kaji may have broken Misato’s heart, but he didn’t shoot her down in cold blood. I also can’t see the Comedian growing a humble melon patch. Both however, weren’t quite nihilistic enough for the world ending ridiculosity of their series’ villains, earning each an ignominious death.
4) In the world of Evangelion, the pilots are blamed for the collateral damage caused by their fights with the evil angels, breeding resentment and hatred. In Watchmen, the heroes are the collateral damage of the fight against evil.
As in both groups end up feared by the general populace, despite ostensibly serving it. Yet you never hear somebody running up to Nerv and saying “If you really wanted to fight Angels, you wouldn’t hide behind a plug suit!”
5)Ozymandias was Nerv, the rest of the Heroes were Seele
Seele knew something was up. They were sniffing around, looking for clues as to what was going on, trying to piece together how it was all going down. Sure they’d shared the same goal as Ozymandias at one point, but that was a while ago. Now it looked like Nerv was off on its own tangent of their original goal. It was up to a plucky Kaworu and his brooding partner Shinji to put the pieces together!
Okay, I may have gotten mixed up somewhere. Point being, by the time they actually got their shit together to do something about it, their respective foes had already put their plan into action and it was much, much too late.
And yes I did just cast Kaworu as Owlman. I was going to make Shinji Silk Spectre II, but given the first point I’d be going back on myself.
In closing we give Watchmen 4 pen-pens out of Five. If the people had cast out Nerv and forced them into hiding like in Watchmen, the series would have been a hell of a lot shorter. “Ha! We showed those stupid pilots! We don’t need their mech drivin’ asses around here! What’s that? What do you mean there’s a 200 foot long flying flatworm bearing down on Tokyo? Kind of resembles a giant penis, you say? Well, yes, I’d agree we’re fucked but that’s no reason for that kind of… it’s every reason you say? Yes, well, I’ll see you in hell too. Thanks for calling, mother. ”
I’d like it entered into the record, by the way, that I didn’t make a comparison between the uncomfortable masturbation and the Archimedes-sex scenes of the respective properties. You’re welcome.
PS-> In case it wasn’t incredibly obvious, I’ll only be doing five points while I’m on my own.