This week in Evangelion land we take a trip into a strange and magical world, where our cast tries to masquerade as a group of gender swapped sword swingers, in The Sacred Blacksmith.
If you’ve never seen it Sacred Blacksmith is a 12 episode series about the adventures of the world’s most worthless knight Cecily and her attempts to not use her boobs to convince a surly half-assed blacksmith to give her a free sword. And something about demon blades, curses and saving the world, but seriously have you seen the size of her tits? Because every single woman on that show has and they will make sure each person in the city of Housman knows about them.
01. The Cast of Sacred Blacksmith is Evangelion gender/species-swapped.
Perch: Ha you thought I was going to save this for last didn’t you? Nope. Cecily is Shinji, Luke is Asuka, Lisa is Kaworu and Aria is Rei…? Okay it’s not perfect, but Francisca is totally Rei.
Kinotu: Yeah they decided to give Rei a lesser role and give Kaworu a bigger one, kind of how many people wished.
02. In Evangelion, Shinji claims to be the son of Gendo Ikari though you’d never know it by Gendo’s behavior. In Sacred Blacksmith the Emperor can’t even be arsed to show up to deny Charlotte’s claim to the throne.
Perch: Or her biscuit.*
*Note: Denying your biscuit is an obscure reference to English Dub only fans of Mew Mew Power telling the sub fans of the show, ‘sure this dub shit all over the characters and even the original plot of the anime, but now her transformation sequence rhymes and that’s all that counts.’
Kinotu: I’m pretty sure if Gendo could have denied Shinji’s existence while still making him pilot the Eva he would have done so.
Perch: Yes, and the Emperor got what he wanted as well. Get rid of an annoying ‘pretender’ get to keep all her awesome demon blades. Really this point boils down to what if Yui had told Shinji her dying wish was that he pilot a giant robot and make up with Gendo. Instead Yui told Gendo to take care of Shinji and Gendo felt that the best solution was cramming his son into a giant mech whilst emotionally scarring him even more for fun.
Kinotu: To be fair, the Eva’s are powered by emotional scarring.
03. Speaking of mothers both shows plots tend to be driven by and for them.
Perch: Metaphorically speaking in Cecily’s case where the more her mother pushes her to be more ‘womanly’ the more she clings to her father’s ideal. Or Charlotte’s where her mother’s pipe dream of reuniting with the man who kicked her out of his kingdom for getting knocked up with his bastard. Versus Shinji and Asuka who are literally piloting their moms.
Kinotu: You know, maybe Cecily’s mom was just trying to tell her something. I mean she was terrible at her job.
Perch: Hey she got better when she got that sentient sword. I mean sure she couldn’t hold on to it for longer than three minutes at a time in a fight, but it was still, sadly, an improvement.
04. In Evangelion Misato is helped by a crew of Bridge Bunnies. In Sacred Blacksmith that’s called Charlotte’s attendants.
Kinotu: They even comprise of the same job role, i.e. having to fob off an idiot.
Perch: And it’s for each shows Shinji too!
05. Sacred Blacksmith has a two pronged story arc. One: Cecily wants a katana, but doesn’t want to pay for it and two: Luke needs to forge a sword to keep the local grand demon under wraps for another few years. Evangelion’s two pronged story arc consisted of Shinji’s whining and something something Seele, oh no angels, something. We think.
Perch: And in both shows everyone forgets about the opposing force they’re trying to stop, i.e. Seele or that demon we mentioned.
Kinotu: Yeah, he really is just “that demon we mentioned”, he’s just that dude. He never actually shows up.
Perch: Hey he shows up in flashbacks! It’s like Monoliths only less cool! And we have Seigfried to be the SURPRISE! villain for this season. Which really boils down to, ‘hey guys, we totally need another season to explain how big Cecily’s ta-tas are so how about we give you this throwaway bullshit ending and you renew us for another twelve episodes?’
Kinotu: Hey, I’ve seen PBS mini-specials that didn’t have enough episodes to explain how big her jubblies are.
Perch: Is this just an exercise to use every single uncomfortable reference to breasts we can think of off the top of our heads?
Kinotu: I’ve got like ten more.
Perch: Well we need two more points, so break out your thesaurus…
06. In Sacred Blacksmith Aria desperately wants to learn the purpose to swords, like herself, who can turn into people. In Evangelion Rei is trying to discover the purpose of people like her, clones who are used like kleenix.
Perch: The answer to both being, you’re a convenient plot excuse to make our show that much cooler. I mean… all the answers Aria receives are things she doesn’t want to hear and Rei ends up just saying fuck it and getting revenge on Gendo be denying his eternal rest and reward of being reunited with Yui.
07. In Evangelion Rei is created to allow the operation of Unit 0. In Sacred Blacksmith Lisa is created to allow Luke to be a blacksmith.
Perch: Because all his years of hard work didn’t mean shit, even with the magical portable forge, I mean Lisa.
Kinotu: Hey he had years practice yelling “Fold” at random things.
Perch: He smacked shit with a hammer sometimes too. Ultimately it’s ironic that he was better with a sword than the swordswoman, but such a shitty blacksmith when he’s the titular only-you-can-save us guy. Makes you wish that Cecily had just said fuck it and yelled FOLD a few times.
Kinotu: That hammer comment just makes me picture him as some kind of laundromat galley master.
In conclusion we give Sacred Blacksmith one Pen-Pen, though seriously Shinji, next time you cosplay lay off on the fake tits.
Kinotu: I always knew he enjoyed wearing Asuka’s plug suit a little too much.
Perch: And titties if the new Evangelion movies are just his post-series fever dreams.
Kinotu: I’d also like to take a moment to point out that while we’re all wondering who forged the massive plate puppy holder for Cecily, we’ve not pointed out that the living sword is wearing a thong. And what the fuck with that…
Perch: Well you see sometimes when a sword turns into a girl she still wants the snug feeling of a hilt and then the space-time…okay look Rei likes thongs! Asuka said it looked trashy, but screw it thong life forever!